10 tips how to F*** UP a strawberry cake. (H)

When you saw this headline, you probably thought: EASY. Well it is not THAT easy. You have to be a real professional to make such a spectacular chaos. There are many factors you have to fulfill. 

FIRST: you have to be in a great mood. If you’re a girl, the best time to do this is definitely the time of your period. For others girls: full moon, bad hair day, a long day at work, when you’ve just had a huge fight, if you are a cat person, after the cat poops on the pillow, or, if you are a dog person, after the dog pisses on your favorite carpet that cost you your life-savings. Or maybe just casual everyday happenings like: after you drove into the wall of your apartment with your car, after you ate bad-ass hot peppers and rubbed your eyes with that same finger... In short, these are the best times to screw up a cake like a professional.

SECOND: when things look like this: 

it’s about time for corrections on your cooking. You should go and whip the cream so hard and so long it’s not a cream anymore. Do that 100 times. It’s become a fresh curd. Nothing better than a fresh curd on your cake instead of cream. Especially if you plan to prepare a strawberry cake. Cheese goes with everything! Remember that.

THIRD: after you put a cake in the oven, you should open the oven every two minutes. Not only that – you should put the cake pan OUT of the oven on the plastic surface BUT ALSO at the same time try to fuck up the cake’s surface with a fork or a knife. After doing that many times (at least six times) and long enough (at least ten minutes at the time), you’ll know the cake will come out just PERFECT. 

FOURTH: when you are taking the cake out of the oven every two minutes, you must be sure the cake does the following: the cake must cave in the middle so it looks like a volcano! This is crucial!

FIFTH: when the cake is finished, you take the pan out of the oven, start turning it very rapidly upside down and up again, and hit various surfaces at least three times. Keep doing this until the cake just falls out in large chunks. If there are more than two pieces of the cake on your plate when you’re done – you did a GREAT JOB and you should be very proud of yourself.

SIXTH: pick the bluntest knife you’ve got and chop the cake into two plates - halves. 

SEVENTH: put some fresh strawberries into the frying pan (never mind washing them – we all know they exaggerate with warnings about pesticides) and add a big amount of sugar (about 500g) in the pan. Mix everything with some water and make a strawberry marmalade. That is why you want FRESH strawberries.  

EIGHTH: Now you put hot strawberries and curd on ONE HALF of your cake. Just take a spoon and make sure you rub them right into the cake. Then take the other half and slap it on the lower half. Put some Nutella around the cake. Pretend you’re finger-painting. At this point, things are looking marvelous. You are on your way to become a Master Chaos Chef.

NINTH: mix some sugar paste with edible ink. Green is, by all means, the best color you can choose. Be careful and DON’T USE GLOVES! It’s best the ink soaks into the skin. It’s good for you plus you don’t have to paint your nails. Roll out the paste so it looks like a pancake. Of course, while doing that, don’t use ANYTHING that will make it less sticky! When you literally rip the sticky sugar paste from the surface it’s time you use ALL YOUR STRENGTH … and throw the sugar paste on the cake. When you finally get the paste on the cake, take a hard object, like a heavy wooden roller, a frying pan or an old Nokia telephone, AND HIT THAT PASTE UNTIL IT FITS THE CAKE.

TENTH:  your cake is almost ready. All you have to do now is to decorate it. You can take a black marker and draw some flowers on the cake. Suggestion: be sure you push the marker deep enough. AND VOILA!

And this, my friends, is how you FUCK UP your cake.  True story.

LEGEND for the abbreviations in the titles:
(H) – humor post
(S) – sarcasm post
(D) – drama post
(P) – passion post