A LETTER TO MY ANGEL

Days are so long. Every minute is like a raindrop, slowly sliding on the leaf.

 

I was dreaming of you. As a little girl. You came from the darkness as a quiet silhouette watching over me. Not saying much. You were just standing there with your sharp dark eyes and gentle, hardly visible smile. The softness you radiant on me paralized me forever. In my life I've felt safe only with you.

 

I've been looking for this presence in this other world ever since. There were years I thought I must be crazy. But I've been faithful. I've never abandoned you. I've kept this silhouette deep down, hidden in my body where nobody could touch it or reach for it.

How do I live like this? I live on faith. No matter what happened to me ... I was always holding on the purity I was given by the universe. I was strong because of you. Knowing you're watching, feeling my every thought. I trust in our connection beyond the known. You do things with the same soul as I do. You see the world through the inner eye as I do.

 

And even when my skin dries and bones hardly hold the meat … I'll be still keeping you inside until my mind leaves this corpse for the last time.

 

Years are so long. I live on the life you breathe in me while I sleep.

 

I've been looking for you. But I will never find you. Unless you decide to wake me up and not leave.


 

Črni vitez

1.      Prizor: Klara je visoka, vitka, ritasta in prsata dvajsetletnica z dolgimi zlatorumenimi lasmi in srnjimi nogami. Njena najljubša barva je roza. V roza ima pohištvo, stene, ploščice v kopalnici in tudi nekaj kosov posode. Njen najljubši hobi je razvajanje in skrb za svoj videz. Sebe visoko ceni, predvsem pa se preprosto rečeno: obožuje. Fantje jo morajo obravnavati kot princeso, saj je to edino kar si zasluži. Na današnji večer se v svojem "Barbi" stanovanju pripravlja na zmenek s 40-letnikom – uglajenim gospodom, ki ga je spoznala pred tednom dni v diskoteki. V kopalnici si pred pripravami skrbno ogleda njegovo fotografijo, ki ji jo je poslal na telefon. Črnih las, počesanih nazaj, temnejše polti, s prodornim seksapilnim pogledom pozira na svoji postelji. To fotografijo si je že večkrat ogledala. Ampak tokrat v gospodovem ozadju Klara prvič opazi gmoto nekega  blaga z vrorcem rož, ki spominja na kup zaves pred pranjem. Svoj pogled ponovno usmeri v črne oči, ki jo slačijo s pogledom. Zadovoljno se nasmehne in odskaklja do omare. Vesela in  živahna se vrti pred omaro in izvaja disko gibe. Za ta poseben večer bo oblekla oprijeto belo koktajl oblekico, da bo zagotovo opazil, kako krasne noge ima. Še pred tem pa na svojo zaobljeno zadnjico povleče najbolj seksi roza čipkaste hlačke, kar jih ima, in ujemajoč push-up. Nato živahno odskaklja do kopalnice in se zavrti še pred ogledalom. Tako si je seksi, da se bi kar pojedla. Udari se po ritki in zamijavka. Z največjo natančnostjo nanese make up na svoj obraz. Mora biti brezhibna. Zamisli si, kako bo potekal njen večer: šla bosta v diskoteko, ona bo seksapilno plesala okoli njega in ga »rajcala« s svojo popolno ritko, on ji bo častil koktajle, potem pa, ko jo bo odpeljal domov - v svojem črnem audiju - ga bo pohotnega zapustila in zadovoljna odšla spat. Klara je pripravljena in vrata Barbi stanovanja se zaprejo.

3.      Prizor: Odprejo se vrata zelo starikave sobe z baročnimi tapetami. V sobo stopi starka, grbasta, zgubana s skuštranimi belimi lasmi. Njene oči so oči ovčice, njen obraz je mil, umirjen, nedolžen – skoraj naiven. Pod desno pazduho tišči koš za perilo. Zrak v sobi je zatohel, smrdi po alkoholu. Namršči obraz in si z roko pomaha pred nosom. V oči ji pade nagnjena slika na steni. Na njej je star portret nje in njenega sina. Popravi sliko in z roko na srcu zadovoljno vzdihne. To je njen otročiček. Pred njenimi nogami se znajde majica. Starka jo skrbno pobere in položi v koš. Ob postelji najde še moško spodnje perilo in ga položi v koš. Pobere še hlače, ki pa imajo že rahlo kiselkast vonj, zato se njen starikav obraz ponovno namršči. Po sobi nemoteno pobira razmetane obleke. Nato jo predrami nenavaden zvok iz omare. Odpre vrata in najde črn, širok in debel tresoč se predmet v obliki cevi. Prvič ga vidi. Z rokami ga strese, si ga ogleduje, ga prisloni k ušesu in ponovno strese. Odloži koš in z drugo roko podrgne po zaobljenem vrhu tresoče se cevi. Sumi, da je neke vrste sveča in išče vžigalno vrvico. Povoha vrh predmeta in zdrami jo močan, ribji vonj. Ponovno zguba obraz in vrže cev nazaj v omaro. Cev se nenadoma preneha tresti. Starka pobere koš in pospravlja naprej. Najde še en nenavaden predmet. Iz predala omarice ob postelji visi črna, usnjena vrv. Starka jo povleče ven. Začudeno jo opazuje – le kaj rabi sinek bič v predalu? Prime bič in z njim zamahne po zraku, nato ga pospravi nazaj v predal. Ob biču v predalu zagleda nenavadne črne spodnjice. Dvigne jih kvišku in obrne proti svetlobi. Spodnjice imajo eno večjo luknjo, dve manjši in dva čudna špičasta izrastka. Obraz se ji razjasni – to pa niso spodnjice. To pa ve, kaj je. Iz njenih ust pride beseda: BATMAN. Ob ugotovitvi zadovoljno pospravi masko nazaj v predal. Odide še na drugo stran postelje in ponovno ji pozornost pritegne nenavaden kos oblačila. Ta je roza barve. In čipkast. Ženske hlačke. Starka se gibčno skloni proti tlom. Njena ogromna rit s starinskim krilom je videti kot gmota blaga z vzorcem rož, ki spominja na kup zaves pred pranjem ...

10 tips how to F*** UP a strawberry cake. (H)

When you saw this headline, you probably thought: EASY. Well it is not THAT easy. You have to be a real professional to make such a spectacular chaos. There are many factors you have to fulfill. 

FIRST: you have to be in a great mood. If you’re a girl, the best time to do this is definitely the time of your period. For others girls: full moon, bad hair day, a long day at work, when you’ve just had a huge fight, if you are a cat person, after the cat poops on the pillow, or, if you are a dog person, after the dog pisses on your favorite carpet that cost you your life-savings. Or maybe just casual everyday happenings like: after you drove into the wall of your apartment with your car, after you ate bad-ass hot peppers and rubbed your eyes with that same finger... In short, these are the best times to screw up a cake like a professional.

SECOND: when things look like this: 

it’s about time for corrections on your cooking. You should go and whip the cream so hard and so long it’s not a cream anymore. Do that 100 times. It’s become a fresh curd. Nothing better than a fresh curd on your cake instead of cream. Especially if you plan to prepare a strawberry cake. Cheese goes with everything! Remember that.

THIRD: after you put a cake in the oven, you should open the oven every two minutes. Not only that – you should put the cake pan OUT of the oven on the plastic surface BUT ALSO at the same time try to fuck up the cake’s surface with a fork or a knife. After doing that many times (at least six times) and long enough (at least ten minutes at the time), you’ll know the cake will come out just PERFECT. 

FOURTH: when you are taking the cake out of the oven every two minutes, you must be sure the cake does the following: the cake must cave in the middle so it looks like a volcano! This is crucial!

FIFTH: when the cake is finished, you take the pan out of the oven, start turning it very rapidly upside down and up again, and hit various surfaces at least three times. Keep doing this until the cake just falls out in large chunks. If there are more than two pieces of the cake on your plate when you’re done – you did a GREAT JOB and you should be very proud of yourself.

SIXTH: pick the bluntest knife you’ve got and chop the cake into two plates - halves. 

SEVENTH: put some fresh strawberries into the frying pan (never mind washing them – we all know they exaggerate with warnings about pesticides) and add a big amount of sugar (about 500g) in the pan. Mix everything with some water and make a strawberry marmalade. That is why you want FRESH strawberries.  

EIGHTH: Now you put hot strawberries and curd on ONE HALF of your cake. Just take a spoon and make sure you rub them right into the cake. Then take the other half and slap it on the lower half. Put some Nutella around the cake. Pretend you’re finger-painting. At this point, things are looking marvelous. You are on your way to become a Master Chaos Chef.

NINTH: mix some sugar paste with edible ink. Green is, by all means, the best color you can choose. Be careful and DON’T USE GLOVES! It’s best the ink soaks into the skin. It’s good for you plus you don’t have to paint your nails. Roll out the paste so it looks like a pancake. Of course, while doing that, don’t use ANYTHING that will make it less sticky! When you literally rip the sticky sugar paste from the surface it’s time you use ALL YOUR STRENGTH … and throw the sugar paste on the cake. When you finally get the paste on the cake, take a hard object, like a heavy wooden roller, a frying pan or an old Nokia telephone, AND HIT THAT PASTE UNTIL IT FITS THE CAKE.

TENTH:  your cake is almost ready. All you have to do now is to decorate it. You can take a black marker and draw some flowers on the cake. Suggestion: be sure you push the marker deep enough. AND VOILA!

And this, my friends, is how you FUCK UP your cake.  True story.

LEGEND for the abbreviations in the titles:
(H) – humor post
(S) – sarcasm post
(D) – drama post
(P) – passion post